Opinion : Mini Masters for a Mini Mediocre golfer

James Stevenson putts toward the computer hole at RJ Ender Computers.

Teashia Mewburry putts at Jessy's Gems during Day 1 of the Vinton Unlimited Mini-Masters.

I was, by chance, one of the first people to complete all the holes of the 2011 Vinton Unlimited Mini-Masters.

Or as golfers as bad as I am should call it, the Mini-Mediocres, at best.

I shot a 90; which is not-so-good on the big golf course. It's basically lousy for miniature golf.

But along the way I caught up with some old friends, met some new ones and even introduced a couple to the Mini-Masters.

I began the course in the middle of downtown, at U.S. Bank. The course looked easy. Maybe it was for most people. A simple blue carpet; not a lot of obstacles. I nailed it on only five tries; turns out that would be about my average.

Things went from bad to horrible when I crossed the street to head to the Viking Sewing Center. All I had to do was hit the ball straight down one aisle, let it curve around and hit it back up the second aisle. I did. Nine.

I walked back across the street to Henkle Creek, where the man-shaped course looks very easy. Compared to the previous one, it was. I got out of there after only six putts.

I was starting to think I would soon become the first miniature golf player in history to have the people behind him ask to play through.

Back across the street, I tried the easy-looking course with at Jessy's Gems. Another brilliant display. Eight. At least I was able to explain to a couple why I was hitting a golf ball all over the front of the store. We introduced the Mini-Masters to Teashia Mewburry, who tried her luck at the course.

I cut my score in half at Cameron's Clothing, where the object is to hit the ball into one of a nine cups. I did so in only four tries.

At Michael and Dowd, they lined the fairway with small pebbles. I putted out of bounds at least three times. Seven.

Six holes. 39 puts. An average score of 6.5 per hole.

I did a little better at Clingman's. Three

Then I choked again at Mossman & Mossman, where the hallway course was lined with legal books and used legal items for obstacles. I hit the hole puncher on the first try; the ball bounced back to me. The next putt hit the scales of justice. I stopped to admire another obstacle; the gavel the National Association of County Attorneys presented to Keith Mossman nearly 50 years ago, when he served as that organization's President. It took me nearly that long to finish the course. Eight.

Eight holes. 50 putts.

But I owned -- comparatively speaking, that is -- the last 12 holes, which I finished in only 40 putts, an average of 3 1/3 per hole.

I scored a 2 at McDowell's course, where they had set up some of the items they rent.

I walked across the street to Hummel Apartments; another first-time course. If you got lucky enough, your ball would land in a slot that says "deduct three from your score." I didn't get that lucky. I got a keychain. Four.

I walked around the corner to the Vinton Eagle. A sign on one of the doors advised that the person who worked there only wanted to think about smiles and sunshine. They must remember how grumpy I was when I worked at the building, I thought. The Eagle course actually took me through an area of the building where I first worked 16 years ago. The place has changed a lot since then. The faces, too. All of them. It made me think back and wonder what changes await me in the next 15 years. The philosophizing improved my game; I made a good first shot and got my second 2 of the morning.

I walked across the street to RJ Ender, where I recognized the course from the previous year. The familiarity was useless. I totally missed the computer slot (it was a straight shot). Four.

Back across the street, to the University of Iowa Credit Union. Herky the Hawk welcomed me. Then I realized (duh) that the U of I Credit Union is associated with the U of I. My golfing there was as slow as my logic. I shot a four and stepped on a couple of the football players.

I went to Betterton, where I asked them if they wanted me to mention in this article that they are giving away Subway cookies and 2 Palace Bucks to each player and each patient through Saturday.

"We have 150 goody bags," they said.

I also mentioned to Scott Barron that next year's course -- in the new building -- will probably be much bigger. At least maybe next year I will have a better excuse for my score: Five. I made a nice opening shot to round the bend and keep the ball on the course. I did not-so-well the next few shots.

I ended my downtown tour at Farmers Bank, where the staff has set up a beautiful garden setting with gnomes. Short course. Easy. Three.

I went to L Marie, where they said I could get a 20 percent discount on one item if I get a hole in one. Not going to happen I said. Six.

I made two good putts at Ervin Motors, but also two not-so-good ones. Four.

At Horizons, I almost got a hole-in-one, and settled for a two.

"Someone has already made a hole-in-one," my wife had told me earlier. I would have no such luck. I made a shot that was perfect, but not quite hard enough. I had to tap it into the first hole; the ball then bounced off the edge of the cup. Three. At least for a consolation prize, they had some refreshments, including some amazing chocolate chip cookies.

My last hole was at Windsor Manor: I saw the bumps in the carpet on the ramp, and guessed that I needed to angle slightly to the right. I slipped and hit it straight; Hole in one.

Maybe I can continue that streak next year.

Nah.