I’ll admit it. I have a rare (I’d say “weird,” but that makes it sound like a character flaw instead of a gift) sense of humor. The City of Vinton Water Department recently issued what they politely call a “notice.” After reading it, I can only describe it as a formal declaration of biological warfare against every toilet, sink, and basement drain in town.

Here’s the original, in all its understated glory:

CLEANING SEWER LINES: The City of Vinton Water Department will be cleaning sewer lines this fall.Water may be blown back into houses while the sewers are being cleaned.We suggest you close your toilet lids to help with any mess that may occur.If you have a strong odor in your house after they have been cleaned, please check your drains in the basements and all of your sinks.We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause but this is to help prevent future sewer backups.Any questions, please call 472-3437

Trust me. I have questions. I have a lot of questions. So, so many questions.

-Do I need a floor-length hazmat raincoat with a built-in hood and face shield?

-Should I dig out those COVID-era N95s and tape them to my face with duct tape for extra security?

-Boots?

-Gloves?

-A full-body wet suit?

-A priest? (Wait, the Archbishop, of Dubuque, has spoken and we can't be trusted with one of those...See if you'd have left the priest in town, I wouldn't have had to take this little rabbit trail, but noooo...the priest went bye-bye and now we are on the verge of needing toilets blessed, or maybe exorcised and not a single priest can be found! We're doomed!)

I briefly considered just sealing the bathroom door with expanding foam, pouring concrete over the kitchen sink, and importing a classic wooden outhouse. Outhouses never have these problems… unless someone throws a stick of dynamite down the hole. 

The official notice is far too polite. Here’s the version that should be printed...(speaking of print, NOW is one of the only times you need a newspaper).

WARNING!
We are about to blast every forgotten horror that you, your parents, your grandparents, and several generations of questionable decisions have lovingly deposited into the pipes.

Remember that time little Johnny projectile-vomited after the county fair? It’s still in there. We’re going to introduce all the pressure we can to dislodge it from the pipes and it could land on your bathroom wall. (It probably won't, but in theory...)

Remember the neighbor’s colonoscopy prep that made the entire block smell like a medical waste facility? Yeah. That might hitch a ride and stage a dramatic re-entrance through your toilet like a poorly timed special effect.

Our official suggestion:
Close the toilet lid.

Then place a cement block on it. Then strap the cement block down with ratchet straps. Then run. Do not walk. Run.

You may also want to pre-order a replacement toilet seat… and possibly an entire toilet. We’re not saying the porcelain is going to explode, but we’re also not not saying it.

Pro tip for those of you who enjoy lingering on the throne with a magazine: if the “bidet” suddenly activates and you distinctly remember not owning a bidet, abort mission immediately. Hit the shower. Of course, the shower drain may already be mid-eruption when you step in, turning your morning routine into what the kids call a full-blown s***show. No pun intended. Actually, yes. Pun fully intended.

And the smell? Oh, the smell. When we disturb decades of carefully aged sludge, your house may briefly transform into a haunted sewage theme park. Those COVID masks? Wear them. They won’t stop the smell, but they might slow it down just enough for you to reach the nearest window before your sinuses file a formal complaint.

If a truly apocalyptic odor greets you afterward, gingerly open the basement door. Turn the light on before you step off the last stair. Check every drain under every sink. We don’t know what lives down there, but if the pipes decide to stage a revolt, you’ve been warned.

Now, in theory, this will all be fine. A minor inconvenience. A little splash. A faint aroma of “history.”

But if it isn’t fine…

SEND PICTURES to VintonToday@hotmail.com We’re talking National Geographic-level documentation. We want the full cinematic experience.

So anyway, that’s the worst-case scenario.

And can we just take a moment to appreciate the water department? Truly one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. These heroes have to go door-to-door (metaphorically) telling grown adults to put the lid down on the toilet like we’re all toddlers who still haven’t mastered basic bathroom protocol...because face it, sometimes we haven't.

Hats off to them. Literally. Because if the lids aren’t secured, the hats might not stay on either.

Stay safe out there, Vinton.
And for the love of all that is holy… PUT. THE. LID. DOWN!

P.S. No dates have been announced for this as of yet...Speaking of dates...could you imagine if your date was in the bathroom when...

Oh, and you might want to store the toothbrushes in the closet until winter is over too...

And yes, this is a complete exaggeration of what is expected to be minor events.