Opinion : Mighty Casey: A 21st Century revision for youth league parents

Yogi Berra said, or has been quoted as saying, “Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”

More recently, St. Louis Cardinals manager Mike Matheny, in between his retirement as a player and before he became the Cardinals' skipper, managed a youth baseball team. He wrote a letter in which he admitted that parents had been such a pain that he once said he would only coach a team made entirely of orphans.

This column is for children, specifically for children who will be playing some sort of youth sports game this summer.

Like hundreds of other parents,I will be spending much time at area recreational facilities, observing my children’s participation in youth baseball team this summer. 

I have  helped coach baseball teams in previous years, and our players did a very fine job of making sure their parents behaved at games and practices. But not all coaches were fortunate enough to have kids who raised their parents as well as our players did.

Since I know what it is like to try keeping two dozen or so parents off the streets for a couple of months, I want to avoid any problems before they start.

So listen, our mitt-wearing children, and you shall hear...what many adults and other kids fear.

You all probably heard about the two dads that got in a fight a while ago at their kids’ hockey practice. One of the dads was killed; the other went to jail.

Well, I don’t want that to happen to your parents. And as children who sign up for youth sports, it is your job to prevent problems with parents.

Oh, I know, I know — it’s hard to raise parents. They’re bigger than you. They think they know it all at their age. And they won’t let you have the car keys until you are at least 18. But you have to keep them under strict control at all times.

There is a big problem all over the United States — parents using bad words or violence against umpires, coaches and players of other teams — and sometime even against their own children. Every sport — baseball, softball, hockey, soccer, football, just to name a few — has parents who seem to attend the games just to see how much they can embarrass their kids.

Kids, it’s up to you to stop it. Nobody else can do it. After all, they are your parents.

So, what’s a kid to do?

First of all, lay down the law. Tell them to come to games and practices and help if they’d like. But remind them that if they have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.

I understand that for some parents, that will not work. Parents often do not listen to their children. In this case, you need to take some tough action.

First of all, when your dad wants to play catch with you, tell him you won’t play with him unless he behaves. A few nights of tossing the ball up in the air or pitching to himself should straighten him out.

But if your parents continue mouthing off to the coaches and umpires at games, take mental notes of everything they say. And then at the time when it would cause the most embarrassment to them, repeat what they say. It may be at church, or when the boss or pastor comes to visit, or open house at your classroom in school.

Whoever it is, tell them what your parents said at the ball game. But here is the secret when repeating parental words: Pretend to be proud of what your parents said.

For example, you may want to brag to your minister or teacher something like this: “Hey, my dad called the umpire a cross-eyed communist pig. It was soooooo cool!”

This also works with total strangers. Talk your father into taking you to a crowded restaurant after the game, and then repeat what he said as you are sitting around the table. Say it as loud as he said it and as proudly. And then when everyone turns to look at you, look at your dad (or your mom, if she is the offending parent) and say, “Look, everyone here thinks you’re the best parent in the world!”

 Parents may also end up saying words that they teach you not to say. It would be especially effective in such cases to repeat what your parents said, word for word. Just make sure you are out of swatting reach when you do so.

I know keeping your parents in line will be hard. You have only had 10 or 12 years to raise them, and it takes longer than that. But you have to be tough. Your teammates are counting on you.

Don’t let them down.

If you need some inspiration to share with a parent who may need this reminder more than others, consider this revision of baseball’s most famous poem:

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the 9-year-olds that day

The adults had come to argue, though their kids had come to play

They had to stop their game to hear the childish taunts

From those who should have long ago learned to cease such stunts

"Kill him! Kill the umpire! My kid was safe, I know.

I saw it from the bleachers, from the 12th or 13th row"

After inning after inning brought echoes of the same

A sickly silence fell upon the players of the game

First there was a muffled roar, and then a lusty yell,

It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell

It wasn't parents cheering or lauding some great play

It was the noise of whining from some dad who didn't get his way

Little Casey watched his peers look over from the bench

He blushed to hear the rumble from the adult side of the fence

"That ain't my style," said Casey. "I never act like that

I'd really thought I taught my parents not to act like that."

With a smile of Christian charity little Casey's visage shone;

He knew without a doubt what needed to be done

He signaled to the pitcher, who handed him the ball

And what happened next indeed brought the wonderment of all

And now Casey holds the ball, and now he lets it go,

And now a nose is bloodied by the force of Casey's throw

From below the stands a dizzy man looks at his little pup

Who looks down and says, "Next time, Dad, simply just shut up!"

Parents, you can read Mike Matheny's letter HERE.