Opinion : Finally: Time to put Total Dale Earnhardt policy to work in Iraq

Finally, seven years after George W. Bush told the world that the war in Iraq would start “at the time and the place of our choosing,” America now has the chance to do what I wrote in March of 2003 that we should do to bring long-term peace and prosperity to Iraq, and the rest of the Middle East.

But I cannot take credit for the idea. I got it from a close captioning writer.

During Bush’s speech in March of 2003, he said that Iraq needed to adopt a policy of “total disarmament.”

But the person who was running the close captioning machine pushed a wrong button.

While we heard the words “total disarmament,” we saw the words “total Dale Earnhardt.”

I saw that and laughed – out loud.

Then I started thinking about it.

What if the U.S.were to adopt a policy of total Dale Earnhardt in Iraq?

I think it would change the region forever and for the better.

When it comes to the Mideast and America, there is probably nothing that shows the differences between us and them than the fact that we have NASCAR and they don’t.

An example: During the early months of our war in Afghanistan, a leader of the Afghans who was on our side — or at least claimed to be — bragged that the U.S. could not proceed without a “green light” from him. Of course, this man ruled over the part of Afghanistanthat does not even have green lights, so the U.S.troops there are still probably waiting.

Imagine, for a moment, what would happen a policy of “Total Dale Earnhardt” were to go into effect in Iraq– and the rest of the Middle East.

Every group that thinks it has some reason to fight – The Sunnis. The Shiites. Al-qaeda. The Palestines. Iran.

We would invite them all to form their own racing team. We would use the Iraq rebuilding funds – you know the one that already has billions of dollars unaccounted for – to hire NASCAR professionals to train and equip the teams. We would even let them choose their own type of vehicle. If they want to race HUMVEES or other military vehicles, let them.

I called for, seven years ago, a race between Bush and Saddam Hussien.

I wrote:

Rusty Wallace could build a new race track in Iraq. We would let the Iraqis choose its name.

No matter who wins, the race would accomplish one very important mission: It would make the people who have lived with centuries of religious and tribal strife understand how much fun it is to live in freedom.

Such a race would show them all how cool it would be to have a government that is determined to allow its people to enjoy “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” as fast as they can navigate the track of life.

I am guessing that racing like that just one time would have the same effect on those guys as it had on Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly.

In May of 2000, Reilly accepted an offer to try the Richard Petty Driving Experience just six days after the racing accident killed Adam Petty.

Reilly said the thought of racing at nearly 140 mph left him more terrified than he ever had been. He even considered backing out.

But he didn’t. Within minutes, he became a lifetime racing nut.

“After the 18 laps I climbed out of the car, soaked in sweat and glory, and begged for more. After that, I lapped up everything I could about the cars and the drivers and the races. I became an addict, and I'd never once been in a race,” Reilly wrote.

I’m betting the same thing would happen in Iraq.

After the first race, all that would matter to these people was getting another chance to climb into the driver’s seat again.

They would no longer care about dominating the Middle East, hiding weapons, the price of oil or other things that make people there want to kill each other. They would willingly and totally disarm in exchange for a season or two of trading paint with Dale Jr.

And they could become sort of an ambassador to tinhorns, showing the leaders or Iran and North Korea what they are missing by not embracing America and its fast tracks.

And, imagine how interesting it would be to watch that race.

Think about all the people and organizations who would be willing to pay to sponsor those cars, what it would look like and even what number he would choose. And imagine what the members of his pit crew would look like.

The best way for the U.S. and its “Coalition of the Willing” to break the Iraq deadlock is to introduce to the U.N. and for that body to unanimously pass Resolution 3: The order that the thousand-year Mideast conflict be resolved in Total Dale Earnhardt fashion — one-on-one, with every one seeking dominance only by going man-to-man, door-to-door.

It will probably never happen.

But I am sure it would work.