Opinion : Don\'t waste time on winter driving safety

I used to think it was my job to warn readers of the dangers of winter driving, and trying to remind you all to keep your tires between the ditches and your bumpers and fenders to yourselves. I would tell you to stay home, slow down and leave lots of space between your headlights and the taillights of the vehicle in front of you.

But lately, I have begun to realize that I was wrong: Many members of our society need you to drive badly.

I have become friends with a few tow truck drivers in recent years. These guys rely on careless drivers for a living. During a good blizzard, they can easily clear a grand a night. I have come to realize that bad drivers are an important part of their income source.

Many other people also rely on the worst of winter drivers for their income. Body shops. Emergency room doctors. Dentists. Street sign manufacturers.

Your bad driving gives them a winter income source that helps them stay in business year-round. Thus, your carelessness is an economic stimulus for many.

So, for their sake, forget all of that safety stuff I nag you about every year. Drive as quickly through intersections as you can. Show your teens you can make bigger donuts than theirs. Don't bother scraping the two inches of ice off your windshield -- even if you saw something coming you couldn't stop anyway. And by all means, get behind the wheel as much as you can! Drive 20 miles in blinding snow to rent a movie. Spend an hour navigating your way to the liquor store. And of course, everyone knows that a couple of stiff drinks make you more alert in these conditions.

And this goes without saying, but constantly use at least one hand to hold your phone. Texting may be tough in the winter, but with a little extra effort, you can do it, even if it requires holding the wheel with both knees. If you don't feel safe texting, then be sure to spend your entire drive talking on your cell -- preferably to someone else who is driving.

Another important rule to remember: The more time you spend on the road, the more dangerous it is. So drive as fast as you can. Pass semi-trailers. Pass snow plows. Pass the State Troopers as they respond to accidents caused by people who lack your driving skills.

And if you really want to help my tow truck driver friends, finish reading this article before you get home.

Or, you can click HERE to see the snow driving column.

PS: This column constitutes satire -- making one point by pretending to adopt an opposite viewpoint. This warning allows me to end with this one piece of legal advice: Don't bother asking your lawyer to sue me after your accident.