Opinion : An Iowan’s view on a Texan’s observation of \'New York values\'

Something in the water in NYC: This photo courtesy of the NJ Dept of Ag shows a copepod.

One of the great things about being Iowans involved early and often in presidential campaigns is that we get to spend more time contemplating the really, really silly – if not downright stupid – things that politicians say.

And naturally, it’s the guy leading the polls who usually says the most stupid.

“New York values.”

Just about everyone who is paying attention to the politicians is wondering why a debate champ like Ted Cruz could say something that irritates an entire city of fifteen million.

It’s got to be one of the ironies of our time that NYC – which has some of the strictest gun-control laws – is the place where politicians are most likely to shoot themselves in the foot.

“What are Republicans doing? Sneering at ‘New York values,’ when they should be seeking to satisfy the best of those values, such as the entrepreneurial spirit and the hunger for advancement — which are, after all, the best of American values, too,” wrote Kevin Williamson, of National Review – a Republican-leaning publication.

I love New York. You love New York. Where else can you see the world's best baseball stadium, statue and skycrapers? Nowhere. 

Almost all Americans love New York, although we may hate the Yankees or find some of its laws, customs or history to be horrifyingly inexplicable. 

Like the 20,000 corpses buried under Washington Square Park. Click HERE if you want proof that I am not making this up.

Or the fact that the homeless “Mole People” have created – with cinder block structures underground in subway or sewer areas – living spaces that are larger than the 63rd floor apartments where Wall Street traders live. Click HERE if you want proof of this.

There are some bizarre laws in New York – in a city that is constantly adding new ones.

If for example, your company prohibits male employees from wearing make-up, you could be on the hook for a fine of up to $250,000, depending on the size and worth of your business and how familiar you are with the new NYC Gender Identity Law.

It was illegal for years to buy wine in a grocery store, but 60 percent of NYC cigarette sales take place in the black market, as smokers seek to avoid paying the extra city tax of $1.50 per pack. The infamous Eric Garner police custody death case began when police caught him selling bootleg cigarettes.

It will cost you $1 million to buy a medallion for a NYC taxi, if that business venture interests you, but the fee for a hot dog stand is a much more affordable $129,000, or so.

There are also countless laws about fast food packaging, and a variety of other rules, fees and regulations that make absolutely no sense to anyone who hasn’t spent years living in NYC.

Donald Trump responded to Ted Cruz's "New York values" line by invoking 9/11, the day that made the whole world love New York, and New Yorkers.

However, the city that lost 3,000 souls on that awful day has killed twice as many, one at a time, since then. Yeah, there have been more than 6,000 murders in NYC since 9/11.

Maybe that's why nearly 40 percent of all NYC 911 calls (four million out of the 12 million made each year) are "butt-dials" – 911 is at the top of their speed dial list. 

And it’s not just our generation that has observed oddball-ness from NYC. There have been many times throughout history when the fine folk of Manhattan, Queens, The Bronx, Harlem and Brooklyn have responded to events in ways that differ from much of the rest of America.

It might surprise you to find out that a NYC – with a population that is 25 percent black and filled with parks and other public places named after Abraham Lincoln – was among the most hostile to Lincoln, former slaves, and the Union cause in the Civil War.

In July of 1863, when most of America was celebrating the twin victories – Gettysburg in the East and Vicksburg in the West – which signaled the beginning of the end of the Civil War, NYC residents did not celebrate. Instead, they rioted, killing 1,000 people, many of them former slaves or cops. See that story HERE.

If you, as a small town Iowan, were to read the history books, browse through the NYC book of rules, or learn about the traffic, the crime, the tiny, tiny living spaces that cost millions of dollars, and you might ask the facetious question about the Big Apple that many of us Iowans often repeat when we notice a trend of strange behavior: “What’s in the water?”

And, yes, there is an answer to that question.

What’s in the water in NYC?

Copepods, that’s what.

A copepod is a microscopic shrimp. The NYC Water Department breeds millions of them to add to the water.

Seriously. I am not making this up.

Mosquitoes and their larvae are a problem in the NYC water supply. Fly larvae too. The solution: Adding these grotesque-looking critters to the water to eat the bugs. Yes, of course I will tell you to click HERE to just one of the countless stories on this topic to see for yourself that copepods are part of NYC’s drinking water.

But before we start chanting, “Iowa Rules! NYC Drools!” I think we need to understand the demographics behind this strange, beautiful place.  

There are, according to the people who pay attention to these things, just under 8.5 million people living in the five boroughs of NYC. Although anyone who has visited NYC thinks it’s huge, it actually only contains 303 square miles of land. That means that on every square mile, nearly 28,000 people have to find space to live, work and play.

By contrast: Benton County, Iowa, has 716 square miles of land, and only 26,000 people – a population density of 54.5 people per square mile.

If our county had the population density of NYC, there would be just a tad under 20 million of us.

A population density like that would cause so many problems that we wouldn’t even notice all those shrimp in our drinking water. 

But we'd still be ready to throw down in unity if some politician from another state disses us.