Opinion : Remember the people who are counting on you to forget winter safe driving rules

I used to think it was my job to warn readers of the dangers of winter driving, and trying to remind you all to keep your tires between the ditches and your bumpers and fenders to yourselves. I would tell you to stay home when you really don't need to be somewhere, slow down and leave lots of space between your headlights and the taillights of the vehicle in front of you. Clearly, many people did not heed my warnings. From the news reports, I see that many of youdrivers are as attentive to me as my own teen drivers, who within days, or sometimes minutes, of one of my "You really gotta slow down," lectures, put one of my cars in the ditch. Again. Those accidents used to inspire me to write another safe driving reminder. But lately, I have begun to realize that I was wrong: I should not issue any safe driving warnings because so many members of our society need you to drive badly. I have become friends with a few tow truck drivers in recent years. These guys rely on careless drivers for a living. During a good blizzard, they can easily clear a grand a night. I have come to realize that bad drivers are an important part of their income source. Many other people also rely on the worst of winter drivers for their income. Body shops. Emergency room doctors. Dentists. Street sign manufacturers. Insurance sales representatives. Auto glass technicians. Orthodontic specialists. Plastic surgeons. Drivers Ed manual publishers. Your bad driving gives them a winter income source that helps them stay in business year-round. Thus, your carelessness is an economic stimulus for many. So, for their sake, forget all of that safety stuff I nag you about every year. Drive as quickly through intersections as you can. Show your teens you can make bigger donuts than theirs. Don't bother scraping the two inches of ice off your windshield -- even if you saw something coming you couldn't stop anyway. And by all means, get behind the wheel as much as you can! Drive 20 miles in blinding snow to rent a movie. Spend an hour navigating your way to the liquor store. And of course, everyone knows that a couple of stiff drinks make you more alert in these conditions. And this goes without saying, but constantly use at least one hand to hold your phone. Texting may be tough in the winter, but with a little extra effort, you can do it, even if it requires holding the wheel with both knees. If you don't feel safe texting, then be sure to spend your entire drive talking on your cell -- preferably to someone else who is driving in conditions worse than the ones you are navigating. Another important rule to remember: The more time you spend on the road, the more dangerous it is. So drive as fast as you can. Pass semi-trailers. Pass snow plows. Pass the State Troopers as they respond to accidents caused by people who lack your driving skills. And if you really want to help my tow truck driver friends, finish reading this article before you get home. Or, you can click HERE to see the real, non-satirical safe, slow snow-driving column that too many drivers apparently neverhave read. PS: This column constitutes satire -- making one point by pretending to adopt an opposite viewpoint. This warning allows me to end with this one piece of legal advice: Don't bother asking your lawyer to sue me after your accident. You will lose, and thissentence will be Exhibit 1.