Opinion : A Man's Divorce: A Feeling of Waiting

It was when I surrendered my life to Christ-about 45 years ago - that I first began to understand that I am complete in Jesus.

And I am. I do believe that.

But please allow me to put an asterisk somewhere in that sentence and guide you to the Bible's Book of Genesis. In the second chapter, verse 18, you read "…..It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him."

God then creates the animals, and then completes the creation with a woman from the man's rib. Reading from the New Living Translation, the man responds by saying, "At last!"

I love that.

But does that mean that I am not complete without a woman? Mmmmm…..

If you have been reading my blogs, you are aware that I was separated for three years and have now been divorced since mid-December. For the most part, emotionally I feel OK. Not great, just OK. The turmoil, the anger, the utter sadness is gone.

What I have been aware of, though, is a hole, an emptiness. I do not feel complete. Something is missing.

I have also been aware that somewhere in the background of each day is a feeling of waiting.

Shortly after the divorce was final, I signed up with eHarmony, an online dating website. I had a few dates that went nowhere. For the last couple of months, there have been very few "matches". I have canceled my subscription. It just felt too weird.

I do not intend to get all theological, but I must explain here. Since my divorce was final, I have had private discussions with God about my future. I have made it perfectly clear to God what my heart wants. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life as a single guy. But I always, I always complete that prayer with "but your will be done."

I absolutely believe that if God intends me to be single, He will make my heart and soul perfectly at peace with that.

I have not been at peace. I am lonely.

Over the last several weeks or months I have thought about all those years when I was single. I did not marry until I was 30. I just shutter is disbelief. How in the world did I survive all those years as a single guy?

Maybe I did not know what I was missing.

Fortunately, I have a full-time job, a big house and an acre of land that keeps me busy now that it is spring. Almost every room in the house has been repainted. I have replaced all of the couches, and removed the carpeting in two rooms and replaced it with wood flooring. One of the bedrooms is now an attractive guest room, and I am about to start work in another bedroom.

And, of course, I hike as much as I can.

Way beyond words I am thankful for the people who have joined me in my journey of healing. They allow me into their busy lives. We hike, we talk, we just do things together. I am welcomed into their homes. This is important to me. It helps me keep my sanity.

This Has Been No Accident

I am also feeling very led by God to do something more with "my story". These blogs are no accident. Writing these thoughts on my laptop is totally a God-thing. I do not type one word without being led by Him to do so. These words, these thoughts are put down by me but are inspired by Christ. I have been feeling like I want to do more with this----more than a blog.

This became very apparent to me last Tuesday evening. I am a member of a hiking Facebook group and I had read a post a few days prior when one of the members asked what others thought about backpacking alone. I read the answers and then went on with my day, or two or three. I do not recall.

On Tuesday evening I thought I would write my own post on that Facebook site in response and explain why I hiked alone. I wrote it in maybe 15 minutes. I did not think it was any big deal. This is what I wrote:

I recently read a post and many of its responses asking how others felt about backpacking alone in the mountains. I read it with much interest because over the last three-plus years I have done a lot of hiking alone. I fully recognize that hiking is not the same as backpacking, but several of my friends thought I was nuts (what if you run into a bear?) I did the solo hiking because I needed to be alone and to soak in the healing power of being in the mountains. My wife had left me and I was in shambles. I have adored the mountains since I was a teenager in Boy Scouts. As I walked solo, I would talk to God and allow His grace to flow through me. I would sometimes stop, view a mountain or just take in a gorgeous river, and breath in the healing power of mountain air. I would sometimes sit on a log, close my eyes, and just be. Every cell would relax. There was no other place I wanted to be......there was no other place that I should have been.

Literally within 30 seconds - probably sooner - readers started responding. The likes/loves started pouring in one right after another. It did not stop for hours. Lots and lots and lots of comments were made --- all favorable. As I write this the post has received over 1,800 likes/loves and almost 200 comments. It has been shared 22 times and I have gained four Facebook friends from it.

It was stunning.

One lady wrote, "This is the best post. I needed this tonight. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom's suicide and I go out in nature to clear my head. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. Thank you."

Another woman responded, writing, "My favorite part of your story is 'About those bears. I celebrated when I saw one!' That says it all, reading your post was a beautiful poem, a prayer, and a smile. Thank you."

There were many just like these two.

As I stated in my previous blogs, God inspired every word in those articles. I clearly heard him guiding me. The response to this Facebook post was a clear blessing from God, encouraging me to be open to this new path. He was blessing this journey.

I do not know how it is going to look, but the Lord wants me to continue to tell my story. I am quite excited about this possibility.

The Old Testament book of Jeremiah contains a promise from God that is well known and often quoted. It is, however, very appropriate to quote here. I have had it posted in my home office for a few years.

"I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out, plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11.

Trust me -- I have held that promise close to my heart since November 2014, when this journey into hell and back again began.