Opinion : The effect of performance-enhancing drugs on Congress

Imagine the following news story from the year 2020:

"A federal grand jury has indicted dozens of members of Congress for using illegal performance-enhancing substances during what has been called the 'Season of Spectacular Success.'

"For years, the experts have looked for an explanation for the sudden ability of Congress to balance the budget, eliminate American dependence on foreign oil and even make health care affordable for all while also compelling Americans to take better care of themselves. Especially amazing is the "Mexican Solution," which forever ended the issue of undocumented workers by sealing the U.S./Mexican border, totally eliminating the demand for illegal narcotics in U.S. cities, and turning 15 million illegals into tax-paying, law abiding citizens.

"But now, we know why Congress was so successful: In the middle of 2011, baseball legend Roger Clemens and his trainer secretly brought a variety of performance enhancement products to his trial in Washington, D.C. Several members of Congress, purportedly attending the trial to complete their investigation and to accuse Clemens of lying to them, left with duffle bags full of syringes and tubes of skin creams labeled "SPF 99."

"Soon after the Clemens hearing, Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Republican House Speaker John Boehner met secretly over human growth hormone cocktails. Soon the two had reformed Medicare, made peace with the Taliban and even established a policy of complete candor in campaigning. The crowning achievement, however, was the re-opening of the lantern of the Statue of Liberty, which was made possible by the reduction of the terror threat to 'Non-existent.'

"Americans were too happy with rising student test scores, falling tuition costs and the surprisingly low cost of green, American-made cars and energy sources to seriously ask why Congress was suddenly so successful.

"But now, a deathbed confession by Iowa Congressman Iben Dopin indicates what many in the media have been suggesting for years is true: Virtually every member of Congress was using some kind of illegal performance-enhacing substance during those years. Even Dopin, whose IQ increased from 75 to 127 in just three months, denied for years that he had taken any illegal substance. He always claimed that he was applying sunscreen.

"But now, says the dying legislator, 'I want to come clean. America has to know that our success was only due to our reliance on the dope.'"

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Well, you can bet that story will not be in your on-line newspaper in 2020, or any time this century.

I always laugh when I hear about the latest Major League Baseball player (this week it is Roger Clemens) getting in trouble with Congress over the performance-enhancing drugs issue, or for lying to Congress about steroids or other banned substances.

Lying to Congress is like passing gas in a pigpen. And nobody can ever accuse Congress of using performance-enhancing substances.

The next time Congress has anything to say to any athlete about performance-enhancing substances, it only needs to say three words: "Give us some."