Opinion : We just had to ask... ourselves

Vinton Today Editor Dean Close has been asking some silly questions of area people. So we thought it only fair that he have to answer them for himself.

Q. Is there anything that you ask your wife not to cook, ever again?

A. Beans. Navy Beans. Black beans. Refried beans. Chili Beans. Kidney Beans. She cooks them fine but I just do not like any of them.

Q. Your oddest cooking idiosyncrasy?

A. Orange juice. I mix it with ice cream, and also use it when I cook liver. Really. That’s one dish the kids never ask me to cook.

Q. Does it matter in your house which way the toilet paper roll goes?

A. Yes. We set the roll on the top of the tank.

Q. Tell us about your favorite chair?

A. The rocking chair, but only one of the granddaughters is in it with me.

Q. Funniest memory as a parent:

A. I was putting a book in the overnight slot and Bethany, then age two or younger, exclaimed, “Daddy feeding library!”

Q. Best fast food sandwich ever?

A. An Arby’s chicken cordon bleu somewhere between Iowaand Washington, D.C., in 1996.

Q. What was your first job?

A. Housekeeping at the Mental Health Institute, in Independence. I did that for two summers and worked three summers in the warehouse there. That’s where I learned to drive without mirrors—the warehouse had an old step van with no mirrors and I had to drive deliveries around the hospital campus.

Q. Worst habit you would admit?

A. Caffeine. One to two pills each day.

Q. If you were to get a traffic citation it would most likely be for….

A. failing to stop at stop signs… another habit. Maybe it’s got something to do with the caffeine.

Q. One place in the world you really, really wish you could visit?

A. Iwo Jima, especially when the U.S.and Japanese veterans are there to pay tribute each March.

Q. First pet you remember?

A. Buffy, a dog who looked like the original Benji. She once ran onto the baseball field where I was playing first base.

Q. Who was your favorite teacher, and why?

A. Mr. Trullinger, freshman algebra. He had a way of explaining things that was very easy to understand.

Q. Strangest thing you did at work that was not part of your official job description?

A. Going to the Olson's farm to figure out why Vinton Today did not work on their computer (turns out that after we changed servers, none of the Farmers Mutual customers could access our web site; my trip to the Olson's helped me realize what the problem was, and we had it fixed the next day.

Q. Favorite candy bar?

A. Anything with chocolate, caramel and/or peanuts, but not almonds or wafers.

Q. Iowa or Iowa State?

A. The ideal football season would be one in which Iowa and Iowa State play once in September and once in January. And which team I would pick in January probably depends on who is coaching or playing at the time.

Q. Are there any sayings your parents repeated over and over that you can still remember clearly?

A. Yes. When I was very young, if I was not doing something fast enough – which was quite often – my dad always said, “You move so slow, you have to drive a steak to see if you are moving.” It took me years to understand that he was saying “stake,” not “steak”. He meant that I was moving so slow that I needed to put a piece of wood in the ground so I could measure if I was actually making any progress.

Q. How would your children answer that question?

A. They would probably remember me saying, “People have to walk here!” They have this habit of putting things right in front of doorways. Or maybe. “BRAKES!” or “Slow down!” or “Get over.” (I do most of the driving teaching in the family.)

Q. Favorite Author:

A. Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko. He was the best of the people who made their living in the news when I was beginning my career, although there were many other great writers at the time, including Peggy Noonan and Charles Osgood, who was writing books as well as being on TV and radio.

Q. Favorite Actor:

A. Michael Keaton, in his comedy roles. I love “Speechless,” and lots of other movies about writers.

Q. Favorite President:

A. Calvin Coolidge, one of the very few politicians known for very few words.

Q. Favorite planet:

A. I always liked Saturn and its rings.

Q. Favorite household or yard chore?

A. Clearing the brush and branches. It’s good exercise and it leads to greener pastures. I also have a legendary fondness for using fire to clear old brush and weeds.

Q. What happened to the dinosaurs?

A. I need to warn you that I have a theory that almost nobody else agrees with. I believe the dinosaurs were the “serpents” mentioned in Genesis. After the Fall of Man, the serpents crawled on their bellies. The dinosaurs became reptiles: Snakes, geckos, etc. I warned you my theory was unusual.

Q. Favorite planet?

A. I thought I answered that already.

Q. Favorite car?

A. It only exists in my dreams. A white 1976 stepside, shortbox Chevy pickup with a patriotic theme, a giant eagle on the hood, flags on the fenders. I’d name it Sherman, after the Civil War general, not the tank.

Q. Favorite poem?

A. The Purple Cow. Somehow, without trying, I still have it memorized: “I never saw a purple cow. I never hope to see one. But I could tell you anyhow, I’d rather see than be one.”

Or maybe: Our First Kiss. “I remember the day. I remember the place. I remember the thrill as we stood face-to-face. I remember your lips – as moist as the dew. But I cannot remember—did you close your eyes, too?”

Or possibly: “There once was a tutor of flute, who tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, is it harder to toot or, to tutor two tutors to toot?”

You may notice a trend: I like short poems. I can’t pay attention long enough to remember the lengthy ones. Longfellow’s “Paul Revere’s Ride” is the best long one, and it’s not that long.

Q. Favorite song?

A. Whatever I am singing to my granddaughter at the time. But as far as songs other people know, “Unanswered Prayers” by Garth Broooks or “If I were you” by Colin Raye or “What About Now” by Lone Star. Every time there’s a new change in my life, or a new decision to make – which has been a lot lately, it seems – those songs help guide me.

Q. Funniest joke you can remember, and tell:

A. There are two.

1. Hey, did you hear about the new seafood restaurants for lawyers? It’s called “Sosumi.”

2. A man became suddenly ill while eating with a group of friends at Sosumi. He and his friends all went to the hospital. They feared food poisoning because they had all eaten the same thing, but only the man was ill. “What did you eat?” the doctor asked. “Jumbo shrimp,” was the reply. “That’s the problem,” said the doctor. “You are allergic to oxymorons.”

Q. What book or author you have not read, but should?

A. “A Thousand Days” by Arthur Schlesinger.

Q. Is there anything you wish we would have asked you?

A. I don’t believe you asked enough questions about baseball… or my granddaughters.