Opinion : Congress comes clean; future Iowa leader confesses

I dreamed last night that I read a breaking news story from the year 2023:

"A federal grand jury has indicted dozens of members of Congress for using illegal performance-enhancing substances during what has been called the 'Season of Spectacular Success' – the ‘Miracle Years’ between 2013 and 2019, when Congress balanced the budget, eliminated the need for foreign oil, reduced carbon emissions, permanently solved the Mexican border issue, drastically reduced the national crime rate and even eliminated all murders from the Greater Washington, D.C. area.”

I couldn’t believe it.

Yes, for years I knew about the Major League Baseball Political Action Committee, and how they donated money to politicians, including Hillary Clinton, Rick Santorum and even Anthony Weener. But to see that level of honesty from a politician was something new – even for a dream.

In that dream, I read more:

"For years, the experts have looked for an explanation for the sudden ability of Congress to balance the budget, eliminate American dependence on foreign oil and even make health care affordable for all while also compelling Americans to take better care of themselves. Especially amazing is the "Mexico Miracle," which forever ended the issue of undocumented workers by sealing the U.S./Mexican border, totally eliminating the demand for illegal narcotics in U.S. cities, and turning 15 million illegals into tax-paying, law abiding citizens who used their cultural influences to completely eliminate the importation of marijana, meth and other drugs from south of the border.

"But now, we know why Congress was so successful: In the middle of 2011, baseball legend Roger Clemens and his trainer secretly brought a variety of performance enhancement products to his trial in Washington, D.C. Several members of Congress, purportedly attending the trial to complete their investigation and to accuse Clemens of lying to them, left with duffle bags full of syringes and tubes of skin creams labeled "SPF 99."

"This went on secretly for a few years, as more and more leaders saw their polls numbers rise. Eventually, virtually every member of Congress was making trips to an athletic trainer part of his daily routine.

"Then in May of 2013, Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Republican House Speaker John Boehner met secretly with Lance Armstrong over human growth hormone cocktails. Within weeks, the two had reformed Medicare, made peace with the Taliban and even established a policy of complete candor in campaigning. The crowning achievement, however, was the re-opening of the lantern of the Statue of Liberty, which was made possible by the reduction of the terror threat to 'Non-existent.'

"Americans were too happy with rising student test scores, falling tuition and health care costs and the surprising affordability of green, American-made cars and energy sources to seriously ask why Congress was suddenly so successful.

"But now, a deathbed confession by Iowa Congressman Iben Dopin indicates what many in the media have been suggesting for years is true: Virtually every member of Congress was using some kind of illegal performance-enhacing substance during those years. Even Dopin, whose IQ increased from 75 to 127 in just three months, had denied for years that he had taken any illegal substance. He always claimed that he was applying sunscreen.

"I want to come clean,” said the dying Dopin. "America has to know that our success was only due to our reliance on banned substances.'"

Dopin said his constituents were to busy cheering the political home runs he was hitting to notice how much bigger his head had grown. The World Anti-Doping Agency for years had made allegations about doping on Capitol Hill, but leaders successfully avoided the issue because the newest generation of performance-enhancers contain built-in screens that make them virtually undetectable in blood tests.

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Well, you can bet that story will not be in your on-line newspaper in 2023, or any time this century.

I always laugh when I hear about the latest Major League Baseball player (most recently, Roger Clemens) getting in trouble with Congress over the performance-enhancing drugs issue, or for lying to Congress about steroids or other banned substances.

Lying to Congress is like passing gas in a pigpen. And nobody can ever accuse Congress of using performance-enhancing substances.

The next time Congress has anything to say to any athlete about performance-enhancing substances, it only has the right to say three words: "Give us some."

Editor's note: This column is part of the author's soon-to-be released E-book,"Turtle Soup for the Vegan Soul." Look for more information soon.